I want to share a bit about our journey with infertility & my hysterectomy. I know it’s very personal, so if it makes you uncomfortable to read about people’s medical issues – stop now. I feel it’s important to share though, because I know how much it helped me to read and hear others’ stories when I was going through my own.
Like most people, I never thought it would happen to me. I always assumed I’d get married, we’d have sex, and make a baby!
Starting in high school, my cycles were awful! I missed 2 days of school a month because of the horrific pain. Finally, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and put on birth control pills to regulate my cycle and the pain.
I spent the next 12 years taking the pill. My cycle was like clockwork & I had minimal pain, so why not, right? Oh, I wish I had known then what I know now about the pill, and I would have found another way!
Fast forward to almost a year after Hubby & I were married. We were working together to rid our bodies of harmful chemicals both in our foods and in our medicines. We did research, and were focused on educating ourselves in these areas. At this point, we decided that I would stop taking the pill and we would work on Natural Family Planning to monitor my cycles.
Ironically, we were trying to avoid getting pregnant because we were on the “5 year plan”. You know, the one where we both work, make good money, and go to Europe for a long vacation before having kids.
HA! HA! What fools we were.
When I stopped taking the pill, my cycles never returned to normal. In fact, I went 5 months without a period. Not normal. So, I went to the doctor just to find out what was going on.
He did a sonogram and saw the classic tell-tell signs of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Lots of little cysts all over my ovaries where the un-ovulated eggs turned into cysts. Basically, it meant I didn’t ovulate. It also caused an abundance of other problems, but the not ovulating was really going to interfere with getting pregnant.
I was in shock. Heartbroken. Confused.
So much for the 5 year plan. Turns out it’s going to be really hard to get pregnant, so we better start trying now.
I talked to Hubby, and we talked to a specialist who suggested that we start with getting Hubby tested so that we knew where we both stood before we started treatment.
So we did.
More bad news. Turns out that he had issues on his side too. He had very little sperm, and what he did have was malformed.
More shock, devastation and confusion. Why is this happening to us?
I will never forget the words the doctor told us as we sat across his desk trying to come up with a plan.
“You will not get pregnant without a WHOLE lot of help.”
He said it didn’t look good at all. They wouldn’t even TRY artificial insemination (where they take his sperm and my egg and insert it inside me basically giving it a “head start”) because they said it would be a waste of money. In-Vitro was an option (where they take his sperm, my egg and do the insemination process outside of the body, then insert it into my body) – but a very expensive one, and he said that the chances were very, very, slim for us.
We spent time grieving. We wept. We prayed. We turned to God. Hmmm, maybe that was the point! I do believe that God uses these things in our lives to get our attention and turn us to Him.
Eventually, we moved on and decided to adopt. We were looking at international for a few reasons, but it was going to be a slow process because of the cost.
Several months later, on Thanksgiving Day of 2003, we found out we were pregnant!! With NO medical help – only God’s help!
No, it wasn’t because we started to adopt, or because we relaxed – all those things people tell you. It was because it was God’s timing and he wanted all the glory!
Unfortunately, my cycles never got better, only worse. When Lovebug was 1, my hormones started going crazy! I was dealing with anger, depression, and lots and lots of pain. I would go for 2 months with no period and then bleed for a month straight, spending several days in bed with a heating pad because of the pain. It was unbearable. Lots more details I’ll spare you from, but if you are reading this and are going through this – please contact me! I would love to walk with you through this very dark time.
We continued trying to have another child after she was born. For 3 years we tried. Finally, the emotional monthly roller coaster, combined with the physical pain led us to a very difficult decision.
During the 3 years since giving birth, my doctor also suspected that I had other problems, but couldn’t confirm them without surgery. If I had what he suspected, then a hysterectomy was the only cure. I also had pre-cervical cancer cells. The cells weren’t cancer yet, but were changing at a pretty fast rate.
After much prayer and thought, we decided it was time for me to have a hysterectomy. This would cure the cancer potential, it would take away my monthly pain, and hopefully help with the hormones.
It would also eliminate any possibility of another miracle baby. That was the hard part. I knew though, that I would be a better mommy without all this pain and the constant mood swings. I had to trust that God would bring another child into our life through adoption if it was his plan for us to have more than one.
After the surgery, we found out that the pre-cancer cells had progressed yet again. Now we wouldn’t have to worry about that. We also found out that in addition to endometriosis, I also had adenomyosis. It’s a very painful condition that is usually only cured by a hysterectomy.
So, it was definitely the right medical choice to have the surgery.
We knew that if God wanted us to have more kids, that there are lots of them that need a home and we were willing to adopt. We still are, and hope to one day when HIS timing is right for us.
I wish I could say I had the surgery and everything was immediately better. The cramping and the bleeding were immediately gone, but it took a while for my hormones to find a balance. I had some dark moments as I regretted my choice, or felt guilty about my choice. I still had some mood swings as we tried a couple hormone replacement options, finally settling on going “all natural” because that worked best for me. In the end, it was the right choice for our family. I’m glad that I did it, but I do still struggle from time to time with the “what ifs”. That’s when I just have to give it to God and trust HIM.
If any of you are going through infertility and would like to talk, please contact me. Don’t go through this alone. It can be a dark journey, but there is support available. I had some good friends walking with me through this time. One of them was a friend who was dealing with cancer and the healing involved in that. She helped me to see that I couldn’t do this alone. Not even with my awesome husband. Only God could truly help me through this, but he also puts special people in your life for a reason – to walk with you.
