Sorry I skipped a day! Lovebug and I ended up spending the entire day yesterday at a friend’s house swimming, grilling dinner, watching the kids play, and having great conversation. We stayed so late we had to turn on the pool light to see anything! Good times! So, I didn’t get to post this until now.
Tip #4a – His Needs vs. Her Needs (yes, another 2 part tip!)
We all know that men and women speak different languages, and it can be hard to understand each other at times. To make it even more complicated, we don’t even both need the same things! Men and women are wired differently. God created us differently to serve different purposes. Instead of letting that drive us crazy, we have to figure out how to embrace our differences and appreciate them.
A few years back, a mentor friend of Hubby’s gave him 2 pieces of paper. On one of them was a list of the “7 Basic Needs of a Woman”, and on the other were the “5 Basic Needs of a Man”.
Anyone surprised that women have more needs than men do? This is no surprise in my marriage either. I’m much more emotionally needy than Hubby is. He’s actually quite logical and straight to the point about most things. That’s one of the reasons I love him so – he provides the balance that I need.
Today, I’m going to list out the “5 Basic Needs of a Man”, and tomorrow, I’ll list the one for the women.
A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five basic needs:
1. His need for admiration and respect. She understands and appreciates his value and achievements more than anything else. She reminds him of his capabilities and helps him maintain his walk with God and also his self-confidence. She is proud of her husband, not out of duty, but as an expression of sincere admiration for the man she loves and with whom she has chosen to share her life. (Ephesians 22:23,33)
This means ladies, that you need to TELL your husband that you are proud of him. Even better if you do it in public in front of his friends and co-workers. He wants to know that you think he’s “all that”.
2. His need for sexual fulfillment. She becomes an excellent sexual partner to him. She studies her own response to recognize and understand what brings out the best in her, then she communicates this information to her husband, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable. (Proverbs 5:15-29, Song of Solomon 4:9-5:1, I Cor 7:1-5, Hebrews 13:4)
I know many of you are surprised that this is #2 and not #1, but it makes sense. Most guys (at least ones past puberty) care about knowing they are admired & respected by their wife even more than they care about sex. However, the sex IS important! It’s not just sex though. Did you see the word “communicate” in there? That goes back to Tip #2. We have to communicate with our spouse about our preferences. Trust me when I tell you that your husband WANTS it to be enjoyable for you, not just for him. (If he doesn’t – seek a counselor ASAP. Seriously. Sex should not be a power trip.) He wants to know that he’s pleasing you. That’s a huge part of the turn-on for him. So, speak up and tell him what you like so you can both have fun!
On a side note – if you want an incredible, awesome, life changing seminar on marital sex, I highly recommend the LoveLife conference by Mark Driscoll. Hubby and I attended this at our home church back in Texas a couple years ago and it was unforgettable. You can attend a conference in person if he comes to your town (there is one in GA in Oct 2011), or you can buy the entire series on DVD. If those don’t work for your schedule or budget, then you can also buy a digital copy for $15.99 per session (9 sessions), or RENT each session for $4.99 and have access to it for 30 days. This company that I am linking to is dear to my heart. Hubby worked for them for a while doing some computer work, and the people behind the scenes have a great love for Jesus and for getting these teachings out there accessible for everyone. I hope you’ll check them out.
3. His need for home support. She creates a home that offers him an atmosphere of peace and quiet and refuge. She manages the home and care of the children. The home is a place of rest and rejuvenation. Remember: the wife/mother is the emotional hub of the family (Proverbs 9:13, 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24)
Think back to Tip #2b, and the “Top 3” that I talked about. Husbands want to know that the home is a safe, loving place to come home to. I’ve heard men say “I wish I had stayed at the office so I didn’t have to come home”. That is not where you want your marriage to be. Do your “Top 3” so that your husband can feel welcomed when he walks in the door. Get up and greet your husband at the door when he comes home. Hand him a glass of cold water if it’s hot out, or offer to make him some hot cocoa in the winter.
Ladies – If you also work outside of the home, then give yourself some grace and get some help. Consider paying a maid service to take care of the big things so that you and your husband can focus less on the dusting and more on each other.
4. His need for her attractiveness. She is possessed of inner and outer beauty. She cultivates a Christ-like spirit in her inner self. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that her husband finds attractive and tasteful. Her husband is pleased and proud of her in public, and also in private. (Song of Solomon 1:8-10, 2:2, 6:13, 7:9, I Peter 3:1-5)
Before you get too excited, let’s note a couple things that this does NOT say. This does NOT say that you have to be super skinny in a size 0 for your husband to find you attractive. He wants you to be fit, to eat right, to be active and to care about those things. He wants you to have enough energy to do an activity with him, to feel good enough about yourself that you enjoy sex, and to feel have confidence in yourself. He does not expect you to be perfect! It also does NOT say that you have to be dressed up with makeup on and your hair curled every minute of the day. It says to wear your hair, makeup and clothes in a way that HE finds attractive. I know several husbands, my own included, that love the look of shorts, a sweatshirt and a ponytail with no makeup! If that’s the case, then be thankful he appreciates you that way and enjoy it! It’s always nice to dress up on occasion and go out, but it doesn’t mean you have to have makeup on 24 hours a day. Taking 5 minutes to run a brush through your hair, and to squirt a bit of body spray on before he walks in the door doesn’t hurt though.
5. His need for a life companion. She develops mutual interests with her husband. She discovers those activities her husband enjoys the most and seeks to become proficient in them. If she learns to enjoy them, she joins him in them. If she does not enjoy them, she encourages him to consider others that they can enjoy together. She becomes her husband’s best friend so that he repeatedly associates her with the activities he enjoys most. Song of Solomon 8:1-2,6)
“She becomes his best friend” – This is so important! Your husband wants to do things with you! He wants you to watch a hockey game with him, go see a movie with him, or take interest in how football is played so you can talk about the game. Marriage is a 2-way street, so you have to give and take. If he loves football, then watch the game with him and really learn about it. Ask him questions so that he can teach you how to enjoy it. Just don’t ask questions DURING the game! If he loves golf, then take some lessons so that you can go play together once a week. Whatever it is, take an interest in it. You might not be truly interested in it at first, but you ARE interested in spending time with your husband, so give it a shot and you might find out you like it too. If not, try another one until you find one you can do together. It’s so important for your bonding, intimacy and communication that you spend time together doing something you both enjoy. Then if golf isn’t your thing, and he isn’t interested in your scrapbooking you can get a sitter and each spend a Saturday doing your own thing. Then come back together for a late night date of take-out and a movie when the kids are in bed. Take turns picking the movies! Even if you don’t like the movie, enjoy the cuddling!