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Just being real

I need to just be real today.  This past week has been hard for me.  Not hard in the grand scheme of life, but harder than before.  I miss my husband so much it hurts.  From the time we found out about the deployment up until several weeks after he left, I have been fine.  I really was.  I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t scared.  I got to talk to him almost daily.  I was fine.  I had a feeling from the beginning that it would hit me about 2 months in, and it sure did.

For the past almost 11 months, I’ve spent 2 of them with my husband.  The month after he graduated from AIT and he came home to move with us to our duty station, and then the month in between JRTC and deployment.  But even when he was in training, I was able to see him once a month.  Either he came home for a weekend, or I went to visit him.  Even though they were brief visits, at least I got to see him and it made the weeks in between go by faster.

A week ago, when the “2 months deployed” mark arrived, I realized this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing my husband.  Ever.  We’ve been married for almost 10 years and dated for a couple years before that.   So, one night this past week, I went to bed and as I looked at his side of the bed, I just cried.  I wanted him there, and not just because I like him to warm up my side of the bed.  I missed him so much.  I ended up staying up late watching TV until I was tired enough to go to sleep without thinking.

I know that 2 months is nothing compared to what most military spouses have gone through, but it’s just the start of mine.  If this deployment lasts a year, then out of 21 months, I will have seen my husband for 2 of them.

Words can’t describe the aching inside as I long to have him by my side.

Some days, most days actually…are great.  Lovebug and I stay busy going on adventures and playing with friends and it’s easy to focus on other things.  We cook together, we do homeschool, we play outside, we laugh!  We get to Skype with Daddy, to email him, to get letters from him.

But there are some days where I just get tired of doing it all.  The cooking, the cleaning, the homeschooling, staying strong in front of my daughter when what I really want to do is cry and let it all out, not getting to sit down and have a break until 8:30 at night and then being too tired to read the book I wanted to read.  Not having my partner to sit down with over dinner and talk about our days.  Not having someone to unwind with at the end of the day.  Going to bed alone.  Again.  I imagine he feels the same.

I don’t know how people do this without having a relationship with Christ.  That is what gets me through each day.  Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we were called to this Army by our Heavenly Father.  Knowing that God is always there for us, will never leave us, or forsake us.  Knowing that He is in control and is more powerful than we can ever imagine.

My relationship with Christ doesn’t keep the pain away.  It just gives me a place to go when I can’t bear it anymore.  Arms that will hold me and ears that will listen and truly understand. 

Jesus knows what it feels like to be sad.  To be lonely.  To hurt.  He knows.  He wants me to turn to Him.

So I do.

I turn on my praise music, and I read His Word.  I remember those saints who have gone before me and I realize that I’ve really got it easy.  So, I’ll take a bubble bath and let the tears out.  I’ll go to bed early and make sure I get a good night of rest.  Then, I’ll start the next day with a cup of coffee and my prayer time as I ask God to give me strength to get through this day and to really cherish it.  I ask Him to help me thrive during this time…not just survive. 

And He did.  He does.  He will.

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2 comments to Just being real

  • Phil

    Thank you so much for sharing this part of living while your husband is deployed! You write SO well in all of your blogs and you are wonderfully “real” in every one of them! The real pain and real struggle you describe here make your other realities all the more meaningful. Please permit me to name some of what I have seen in your writings — your real faith, real courage, real love of and obedience to God, real love of your husband and daughter and friends and family, real kindness, real optimism, real creativity — there is more, but a comment shouldn’t be more lengthy than the blog, right? Thank you for the inspiration and reality you provide in your writings!

  • Kaz' Bunch

    I wish we didn’t live so far apart. I know you have good friends around you, but I imagine it would also be good to be surrounded by friends that have known you as a couple and have served along side of you both. You are a magnificent couple. Your strength personally and as a couple throughout this season of life is an inspiration to many. I’ve seen you grow in so many ways over the last few years. Specifically, you have managed to strengthen the Faith of those around you by living your life with a true passion for Christ and letting your love for Him drive your decisions. I want to be more like you when I grow up.

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