Soon someone else will become the new foster parents of our Little Bear. This little boy that we’ve raised for all of his almost-9 months will soon be a blessing to another family. He was never meant to stay with us, even though I let myself believe otherwise for so long. God has a bigger plan in mind. I have learned so much through this time.
I wish I could know the new family because I want to be able to hear about how LB is doing. To know he’s ok. At the same time, I want to walk away once he leaves us and never look back because it hurts too much. It hurts to know that after a couple months away from us he won’t have any idea who we are.
All I could think about last night was….”Is this how a birth parent feels when they give up their child?”
Is this how LB’s mom felt that day I sat on her sofa and told her that we would be willing to give him a home while she worked to get him back? She didn’t want him to go at all, but if he did go, she wanted to pick where he went. She wanted him with us because she had met me before and we had mutual friends so she knew he’d be safe. She wanted to love him and raise him herself, but she couldn’t. While he was away from her she wanted pictures, updates, information and visits with him. She wanted to know him as much as she could.
I don’t want LB to leave us, I wanted to be his forever mommy. But since he has to I want him to be with someone that will take good care of him. As much as I like to think that all foster parents are good, I know they aren’t.
Maybe part of God’s plan all along was for me to get a glimpse into the feelings of a birth mom. To better understand them, and be able to be truly compassionate for them. Sure, there are some that give up their children because they don’t care at all. However, there are SO SO many that give up their children because they love them and want a better life for them. So many lose the chance to be a good mom because of a bad choice they made. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their children. It doesn’t make them a bad person. God made them and loves them just as much as He loves me.
I just finished reading a book called “The Middle Mom”. It’s written by a foster mom about how our role as a foster parent is so often just that of the middle mom. We are in between the birth mom and the adoptive parents. Sometimes the children are with us for a few days, sometimes several months, and occasionally years before they go to their forever home. We love them every day as though they are going to be with us forever. We have to so we can bond with them and give them the love they so desperately need. All the while, we prepare our heart trying to protect it from the pain that will come when they leave our home.
It is only by God’s grace that I can let go of these children. People ask me all the time, “How can you give them up?”. Truth is, I can’t. But God gives me the strength to put these children back in His hands and trust Him completely with their lives. He has a plan for each of them, and I’m so thankful for the time they’ve spent in my life. For all the blessings they’ve brought to my life, and all the ways God has used them to make me a better person.